A Leap or a Tiptoe of Faith? The Artist’s Way, Check-In – Week 12

I’ve reached the end of the Artist’s Way, and feel bad for not posting this a few days ago. I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come; a decline in creativity and positive action. I’m sure it’s not, but this is how I feel as I reach not only a close to this great programme, but my masters as well. It’s as if all these doors are closing, which of course means many new ones are set to open, but like the focus of this week, I need to regain a sense of faith and trust all will be okay.

There are many competitions I’d like to enter, such as the Little Pieces of Gold Writing showcase, and I’ve recently found many opportunities through Ideas Tap, Literature Works and BBC Writer’s Room. I saw how much I could do and forced myself to come up with as many ideas as possible, but ended worried I’d never have a great idea again, if even I had already.

Cameron talks about the gestation period for ideas. That we must allow these ideas to grow in the dark before we force them out into the open. I took a few deep breaths and stepped back from my blocking pattern and took myself a little lighter, and soon, away from my computer and notebooks, I found new perspective and came up with a story I think in time could work.

It’s okay to mull on the page, says Cameron, and comments on the value of hobbies as a way to find inspiration. Since following this course, I’ve allowed myself to sign up to the Ramblers, a Tai Chi class, and this weekend I’m doing walk leader training. Through all these things, I have a greater chance to cultivate ideas than I do staring at my computer. I've started a report about the process of writing my script, and after staring at my machine for hours it feels like I have blinkers on. Perhaps if I go for a meditation or practise my Tai Chi, I’ll find the distance I so desperately need to get into a creative, fun having mind.

It’s all about succumbing to the great creator and trusting we’ll get there in the end. Slaving away for hours till numb does nothing for creativity, as much as we hope it might. We get the creative spark through fulfilling our desires, something I’m working to change as I look to the future.

I’d like to go travelling, but I think I’m afraid of failure or coming home poor. If this were a movie I’d need a shove out the door, at least I would if I thought I had to take a drastic step. A leap of faith sounds terrifying, and I think in reality it’s about a tiptoe of faith. Despite being unsure if I want to travel, I’ve gone for a meeting at a local school and secured a week’s worth of work experience to see if teaching abroad is the thing for me, as well as having researched countries and course providers. I didn’t wake up one morning and say, I’m off, boom. Instead, I listened to my intuition and took little steps as they came. Before I know it I’ll be in Taiwan thinking, “urm, excuse me, how did I get here?” I had a similar, surreal, suddenly in the moment awakening when I slept my first night in New Mexico. It’s a sign of the little steps you’ve taken, and a new adventure is your reward.

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my journey along the Artist’s Way and will keep up morning pages and artist dates. I get anxious still, but can now identify what’s going on before I get too worked up. I hope I’ll get more scenes staged and find time to enter some competitions, but whatever happens, I vow to believe in myself, and go forth with excitement and anticipation for what comes next.

Has anyone else followed the Artist's Way or a similar course? How was it for you?

This article is based on my experiences from following Julia Cameron's, The Artist's Way, a twelve week course designed to help blocked artist's rediscover their creative selves. 

Going Against The Grain; How To Embrace An Artistic Life. The Artist’s Way, Check-in – Week 11

I felt good this week. I’d hit the nail on the head when thinking about creative blocks, and started to regain a sense of self-belief through affirmation. This week focused on accepting who we are, and being brave enough to be ourselves in the face of the opinions of others and society. It’s about believing in yourself, your dreams and lifestyle, regardless how irresponsible you might feel.

We live in a success driven world, at least that’s how I feel when I tell people I’m a writer. “What have you written? Isn’t that hard? I hear only people with connections get in?” The concept of getting in suggests you can’t be a writer until you have films commissioned. Talking about the difficulties is about a business plan, and if you don’t have one, why even try? I know writing is more than typing away at a secluded desk, and we need to gather connections to get films made, but did anyone say we need to do this overnight?

In job applications, you need to specify your skills and how you’ve used them to make a difference. This makes me feel I need to win competitions if I’m to call myself a writer, and instantly sparks up doubt. If I’ve not won anything, perhaps I’m no good. Perhaps I should call it a day and find a responsible job with a clear path to the top of the career ladder?

And where is this top, I ask? As a creative, whenever I finish a project, no matter how good or how bad, I’m left with a sense of dissatisfaction. There are other ideas to write and new things to try. Cameron calls artists spiritual sharks; we need to keep on swimming or else we die. If we take the career ladder notion, then how does it apply, for surely at the top there only more rungs to climb? Perhaps then, a creative life is not about a business plan, but the lifestyle we enjoy as we do that which we love.

This week helped me find things I enjoy and embrace my life, warts and all. I looked over changes I’d made on the Artist’s Way, and noticed I’ve started listening to classical music and film soundtracks. I’ve identified people I like to be around, and people I don’t. I’ve realised my urge to travel is real and needs to be embraced. And how have I done this? Through morning pages, artist dates, and the other exercises of this course. What lies at the root of these exercises is the ability to listen to my inner-child. To focus on me and what I like.

Affirmations have been the key to allowing me to be myself. I’ve posted them all around my Story Fort (my workstation), and most key to these past few weeks have been the words, “I get what I enjoy out of my writing, and that’s what makes it great.” It reminds me true greatness comes not from awards or glory, but through embracing my passion. Of course, films are made to entertain and inspire others, but I believe the key starts here. If I allow myself to re-work and re-write ideas and stories, embrace my artist and say what I have to say with true passion, then perhaps the story, script, play, will have something that audiences can enjoy.

This article is based on my experiences from following Julia Cameron's, The Artist's Way, a twelve week course designed to help blocked artist's rediscover their creative selves.

Creative Blocks; The Artist’s Way, Check In – Week Ten

What is a creative block? In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron suggests work, alcohol, sex; anything to prevent us from facing the page. I never thought drinking with friends was a block, until I wondered if I aimed for a next day hangover to give myself a day free from writing.

This week was particularly hard for me as I freaked out about the value of my writing and desperately sought jobs to help me feel secure and successful, but after working though the exercises, I was back on track with some ground-breaking insights into why I sometimes pick up a creative block.

I started the week in a stupor about money and damned my writing. “This is so irresponsible,” I thought, “I really have to get my act together.” I wanted a back-up plan and a more secure career, something to support me and prove my greatness to others, a quick way up the ladder to success. I’m not actually all that competitive, but I do get jealous of other peoples successes and sometimes get angry at artists who're happy to get on with their creative work. It’s a defence mechanism. I’m not mad at them, but rather at myself for lacking the self-confidence to get on with my art.

I think it's okay to be sure of our abilities and rave about our latest ideas, as often it’s not us raving about how clever we are (although for some, it might be) but us getting excited about our art. This is passion. Happy, unblocked artists are happy to create till the cows come home and call themselves artists no matter what people think or how successful they are. It's like a musician friend once told me; "you can't please everyone," but you can certainly please yourself.

My desire for success stems out of a need for a success to hide behind. If I work in a pub, this is a threat, as how can I prove to others I'm an artist? I crave something tangible to show for my hard-work, otherwise I only have my creative projects to prove it, and what if they aren't any good? What am I then? I know I can’t not have a job for however long it takes for me to go from aspiring to published (although surely it's all about the journey and not a perceived goal of glory?), but I shouldn’t worry about the work I do in the meantime. As my passion is my writing, it doesn't matter what I do as long as I write. I am an artist no matter what it looks like to others.

Creative blocks seem to pop up when we are struck with fear, but as I learnt from the documentary, Finding Joe, fear doesn't go away. We can't get rid of it, but we can act in the face of it. Write despite our money fears and our insecurities about our day jobs or how we're going to pay the bills. This is my aim for the rest of this year. To become a carefree, happy writer. To become more me!

How to Cure Procrastination and Start an Artistic Project - The Artist’s Way, Check In – Week 9

Laziness. You might feel it as a painter who puts off buying a new canvas and starting a project, or a writer with a great idea that never makes the paper. Thanks to Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, I’ve come to re-word laziness as the fear to start, no longer damning procrastination or beating myself up when I can’t face the page, but instead recognising my hurts and healing them with compassion. 

We might sometimes flog ourselves when we don’t write in a disciplined way, as we assume other great artists do. “Look at them go, they’re so disciplined, and here I am, making my fourth cup of tea.” As much as Cameron doesn’t slate discipline, and does mention we might still rise early to create, she talks about an even greater asset; enthusiasm. As a guitarist, I remember jumping out of bed at university with a song in my head. Two hours later, I hadn’t showered, and even when I did, played for half an hour in my towel. Discipline bought out of enthusiasm is a loving, creative exercise. We create because we must! We can’t expect it every day and shouldn’t be hard on ourselves when we're not. We’re not slaving machines. It’s okay to not be so disciplined.

That is, unless we’re so paralysed by fear that we don’t start at all. 

Since those towel guitaring uni days, I’ve stopped playing. This week’s exercise had me think about why. Firstly, I entered a competition for the second year running, and got the same score, despite practising hard. I read the winner’s comments on how this was their first entry, how they didn’t prepare, and must have a natural talent. These caused hurts, but not enough to quit. I played open mic nights in Norwich, and people hated it, at least I felt. I was actually invited to come to a new musicians group, but did I? No. I harboured my failings and started giving up. I guess I was also afraid of success. What happens if this group like me? Will I have the time? I joined a band, and that fell through. It seemed all my efforts were in vain, and it was easier to quit.

Cameron calls this process, where an artist stops in their tracks after failure (and success), a Creative U-turn. It’s fear, and can cause an artist to procrastinate, call themselves lazy, and give up entirely.

Oddly enough, I can feel lazy when I do write. If laziness is fear, writing makes me afraid. I often write feeling I should do something more productive, perhaps something that pays. I’m afraid writing will cause me to starve and should buck up my ideas and start a more serious living. I also fear my writing sucks and should leave it to the pros. This was a huge revelation for me, and I’ve started to heal through affirmation, telling myself writing will support me both financially and emotionally and bring me joy if I continue, and allowed myself to do so.

We need to be compassionate to cure procrastination and start an artistic project, which means embracing our paralysing hurts, being understanding of the creative child within, and encouraging it through love and understanding. I think it’s also about allowing our artist child to be a little silly. I visualised myself at a Q+A of a film I’d written, and made a cut and stick of me at the Oscars with an award. It was a silly but fun task, just the sort of thing my artist child needed. I vow to tread softly, and look forwarding to learning about self-protection in next week’s tenth week of the Artist’s Way.

Do Little, Achieve Much; The Artist's Way, Check-in - Week 8

After a weekend away, anxiety and guilt had me geared up to write a stream of pages, when disaster struck; I fell ill. I panicked about time and fell into desperation. Thankfully, this week of the Artist’s Way was about re-working our perceptions of time to regain a sense of strength, realising how much we can achieve through baby-steps towards our goals.

I became empowered after the previous week when I discovered many opportunities to further my career, until I realised I wasn’t doing those things, and spent hours clogging my head with jobs, freelancing work and competitions, forgetting my main goal of the week; to write my pages.

That’s where the exercises came in. Julia Cameron talks of filling the form, which in essence means taking small steps to reach your goals. One exercise had me state my true goal for different projects. As a songwriter, the goal was to have an audience enjoy a performance, and as I worked back from the big goal in five years, to join a local band, the steps got smaller, open mic in three years, record songs in a year, write songs in a month, play each week, eventually reaching today; buy new strings. 

It’s about realising we don’t need to act big to get things done. I often feel I must write in order to quantify myself as a writer. I must find opportunities and I must excel and be at the top of my game, but all of this is a distraction to actual writing. 

Why do I feel this way? 

I’ve not had a commission. I’ve not had a creative job in a long time, and failing as an artist is not an option. I don’t want to be a fool or fail parental figures. The hurts I’ve built up over the years force me to dwell on what I don’t have and waste time and energy contemplating them. 

But what do I have right now? When I think this way, I realise I’ve almost finished my first screenplay, so right now, I can finish it, and tick it off the list. I’m writing a lot of blog posts at the moment, so I can keep on doing those. I may not yet have paid work as a writer, but if I keep moving forward with projects regardless, I might just find some paid work in a few years’ time. This is empowering, taking stock of what I have, celebrating it, and using it to reach new heights, eventually.

The difference between how I felt at the start of the week and how I feel now is a subtle one, but it’s about realising how much we can do to better ourselves, but not worrying about it or thinking big, but thinking what we can do now to get there soon.

I got my power back by taking life a day at a time and accepting the time I had. I reduced my task list and eliminated the distractions of job hunting and everything else to get my pages done. By filling the form, I found time to submit an entry for a workshop I previously didn’t think I had the time to do.

Filling the form gets us active and moving, and helps us do what we enjoy. I’ve not written a poem in a while out of fear and the thought I should enter competitions. If I just get on with it, and write some poems, an activity I enjoy, I’ll not only end up with a poem, but a sense of bliss. That’s what it was like when I took my artist date, which I almost missed due to my anxiety. As I finished my walk, one I’ve wanted to do for a while in a new town, I felt like myself again. I can’t really explain it, but it was a mixture of joy, excitement and peace.

I think it’s all about acceptance of our situation and our needs; we can only do so much in a day. It’s also about thinking small, that by doing very little we can achieve so much. I can become a poet with a few daily words, a musician with a few minutes practice, and a writer with a few pages. When anxiety hits, I trust I'll eventually reach my goals if I just get on with it, one baby-step at a time. 

Following on from last week, I said I’d get back into poetry, and so as promised, is my first entry, Silly Poem, to reflect my approach of fun. It's only a stanza, a small poem, for a small step.

Silly Poem

A little ditty, a poem of fun
To free the child within
And cure the pain of work not done
For boredom is a sin

Jealousy; Negative Trait or Useful Guide? The Artist's Way, Check In - Week 7

This week of my journey along the Artist's Way focused upon cherishing ourselves by doing things we enjoy, but also asked a more difficult question; can jealousy be useful, and if so, how? I realised how many interests I'd left unexplored and my need for balance between achieving my goals and nurturing myself.

Julia Cameron includes many tools throughout the journey, but one very useful tool came up this week; the jealousy map. It's a list of people who make you jealous, what of, and what steps we can take to diffuse the jealousy. In this sense, jealousy can lead to interests, activities, hobbies, careers, and lifestyles we might enjoy, but for some reason have found a reason not to do. 

When I saw a friend had added her credit with the mountain rangers on her LinkedIn profile, I was hit by a surge of jealousy. I was glad for my friend's success, but felt I was missing out. I wrote down my feeling and instantly knew what was going on. A few weeks ago I'd considered joining the UK Charity, Ramblers, but I still hadn't. I'd put it off, and told myself I'd put my name down when I had less to do (whenever that would be). To cure my jealousy, I put my name down for the Ramblers and requested to join a local walking group, countering my negative reaction with a positive action.

I've put off Tai Chi, going to the theatre, baking, doing so few things I enjoy that I'm hardly ever me. Why? Anxiety, pressure. I'm heading towards the final deadline for my masters and I'm trying to write shorts, apply for jobs, ready, study, and once in a while, live a little for me. Not that I don't enjoy writing, but after being stuck in doors at my screen all day, I do tend to find my brain a little scrambled and crave a chance to get out and be me in all the other ways that my soul desires.

As much as allowing time, it's about taking risks. Not writing for an afternoon is a risk. I could miss a deadline for a competition or a great job. There are other risks too. What if I drive all the way to the martial arts centre and I don't like anyone? What if I go to the theatre alone and people look at me funny? I liberated myself with a trip alone to the cinema this week, the first step on my mission to act in the face of my fears, and embrace the things I love.

Cameron also talks about the fear of failure. I think the perfectionist within has stopped me writing poetry. This inner critique dates back a few summers where I'd spent it practising poetry and feeling quite good about it, so good that I entered a poem into a competition, heard nothing back, and didn't write for a while after. I may not be the best poet in the world after a summer, but I still won't allow myself to try, which is something I should fix, perhaps with weekly poems (watch this space!).

It's important to cherish ourselves by doing the things we enjoy, and doing them often, but I also think it's about slowing down and taking stock of what we have, and how we feel. One activity had me stand in a sacred space. This could be anywhere; a shop, museum, gallery, or for me, a grove of trees on my latest walk. I spent a few minutes being still and found the space filled me with energy. I think it's important to step back a while each day to just be you, as I often find I can loose sight of the world around me after a day of writing. This task helped me re-connect and find a sense of peace.

The hardest task of the week was making a collage of images to represent my past, present, and future, my dreams, and images I like. I found it hard to motivate myself as I've never really been cut and stick fan, but I loved it once I got started. I only had five out of ten magazines as we tend to read everything online at home (a sign of the times) but I found plenty of images. One magazine was from my old university which worked nicely for the past, and I included lots of images of hikers and places I'd like to travel to. It's now sitting proudly on my shelf as a testament to all things me.

I think, for me, a balance is needed between the time I put in to achieve my goals and connect with my true-self, even if it's work I enjoy, like writing. This comes back to my earlier post on creative workaholics, but now I can add the importance of nurturing ourselves by doing the 'me things' that make us happy. I think this could not only help us become happier in ourselves, but more active, creative, and ultimately, stronger, which is good, as next week is all about gaining a sense of strength.

As a little extra, listen to Scriptnotes Podcast episode #78 for an interesting discussion on jealousy and envy.

Money; How Much Do We Need to Be Happy? The Artist's Way, Check In - Week 6

This week’s journey along the Artist’s Way explored how we think about money, how we can encourage it to flow freely into our lives by doing that which we enjoy, and how we can embrace family, friends, experiences, and all that makes us happy to regain a true sense of abundance.

I started the week in the wake of major life changes, and feelings of anxiety and loss. I’d arranged a six week unpaid holiday from work to focus on writing and ended a long-term relationship, which although both were my choice, had changed the world significantly around me.

The exercises helped me embrace the small things in life. I remembered Cameron spoke of the joy of owning things uniquely yours, and that you don’t have to spend a lot of money to be happy, and spent two pounds on a cup and saucer from a charity shop, which made a pot of tea taste even better.

I treated myself to a DVD box-set when I realised I had a ton of films I wanted to watch, which although a little extravagant, filled me with joy when it came through the post.

It wasn’t just about spending money. One of the exercises had me collect rocks and leaves from the garden, some of which I put on my desk to remind me of my creative path. Saying yes to freebies was another great task. Too many times I’ve been offered a coffee and let it go cold as I won’t give myself two seconds to drink it. I started to say yes to simple pleasures, enjoying a glass of lemonade, a piece of cake, or even a two second sit down, and found myself feeling happier. 

Experiences can be a great way of feeling abundant. I cooked exciting meals to practise a hobby and enjoy comfort food. Friends can also fill us with abundance, and I arranged to meet four of them during my time off. I ended the week realising how much I had in my life, and became grateful for every second.

Did I see any changes in money matters? Well, not much, but I did check my car insurance and it’s not too expensive this year, and forgot about tips at the hotel and had a lovely £55 surprise.

I mainly realised I hadn’t been treating myself, nor doing my artist dates very well. I’ve been on weekly walks for my blog, but never much else. I realised how hard it was to let myself go and have fun in the face of projects and deadlines, so this week I’ve already taken two artist dates, one a walk, and the other a trip to the cinema. I watched my favourite shows on Netflix, read more, and had a few meditations, which helped me relax.

I started this week feeling anxious, alone and too tired to write, but with a few extra luxuries, dates with my friends, and ideas for travel plans during my time off, I felt a sense of joy creeping in. I guess we don't need much money in order to be happy, but of course we do have to support ourselves. I think it's a leap of faith, of doing what you enjoy and trusting the universe will take care of you if you do, at least that's how I hope my experience goes as I take my six week break.

Is it selfish to be ourselves? The Artist's Way, Check In - Week 5

I turned my world upside down this week and took a leap towards being honest and true to myself. I realised an on-going battle between my desires and a want to keep the status-quo. I thought about activities I enjoy and vowed to do them no matter the harm to my bank balance, or the guilt I might feel. This fifth week of the Artist’s Way is about discovering a sense of possibility by putting others on the back-burner and putting ourselves first.

Have you ever wanted a drink with friends when your partner has a stressful day and needs you home to give them a massage, and you've called it off? Or perhaps you're tight for money and need to save for that holiday and a subscription to your favourite magazine seems unfair?

That’s what Julia Cameron calls the Virtue Trap. At first it seems wrong, “surely it’s good to put others first, something we should aspire to do?” Well, not if you want a happy and fulfilling life. At the end of the day, we’re our own number one, and that's what this week was about.

I often find myself with resentment and anger when I can’t get what I’d like, and feel like a stroppy kid who can’t get his own way, leading myself to put others first again. And it’s okay to put others first once in a while. The odd chick-flick you have to sit through for a teary friend or a few chores around the house you’d rather not do but do because you’re helping someone. I think this is different. You want to do these things as you care about the people you’re doing them for, and know this will genuinely help them out. It’s charitable and kind.

But when it becomes about simply going along with others to keep them happy with their choice of activities, or sacrificing a deep seated desire of your own to please them, that’s when the virtue trap kicks into gear, and you have to step back and think about yourself. My anger wasn’t because I wasn’t getting my own way, but because I wasn’t doing the things that make me feel whole.

I started an image file, a little plastic wallet pinned to my desk with images of activities, places and things I’d like to do, visit, and try. It's there to remind me what I enjoy, and will hopefully get me out there doing more of it. It mostly has pictures of hikers, but also Angkor Wat, snowy mountains and skiers. I've got images of a base guitar, X-box, and a home recording studio. It's about recognising the things I enjoy to remember what makes me me.

Cameron suggests we’re afraid to show the world our true colours by following our desires as we have no mask to hide behind if we fail. We can’t blame not having the time to write for that sucky article. I can certainly say I’m feeling more exposed now that I’m being more me.

That could be why I'm in a job that gives me extra stress and limited time to write. It’s also because I feel selfish towards my parents and girlfriend. If I quit my job I won’t be able to take her places, and I’ll be living in my parent’s house without an income, leaching off them whilst I pursue my selfish needs to become a writer. It’s a combination of fear of showing who we really are and the guilt that comes with putting ourselves first.

That’s why I've taken a six week unpaid holiday to get my thesis written and have set new boundaries for getting my work done. I’m starting to do what I enjoy without feeling selfish. I'm still a cheapskate. I tell myself I can't afford something, and therefore can't do it. Thankfully, week six looks at our views and opinions around money, which will be useful in shedding my financial insecurities, and hopefully will help me to do more things I enjoy.

Could you spend a week without reading? The Artist's Way, Check-in - Week 4

I’m following the artist’s way by Julia Cameron, a step by step guide for getting in touch with your creative-self. This week was about regaining a sense of integrity, and included one of the most difficult tasks for a writer; reading deprivation. 

That’s a whole week without reading, which sounds silly, if not crazy, seeing as seasoned pros often say beginning writers don’t read enough scripts, books etc. It was a helpful exercise and got me to focus on being creative, listening to my own voice, and not being afraid or too distracted to let it out and take form.

The aim is to get artists to do things they'd otherwise put off, such as pruning the garden, washing the car, or going out for a walk or a run. It was difficult as I was on holiday and didn’t have much time to myself, though I fleshed out an idea for a ten minute film on the flight, and had time for introspection when stopped at coffee shops. I decided I wanted a plant for my room, and wrote an old friend. I managed to get in touch with myself, and realised my deep seated desires.

I’ve known for a while that I read a lot. It’s scary how many times I float in my room thinking, “what should I do now?” but I’m actually battling between the feeling I must read and the desire to do something else. I've even been anxious about reading before; “there are so many articles, I’ve got a stack of books to read, and then there are scripts, short stories.” It soon adds up. This exercise pushed all of that away and let me use my imagination for once. I’ve now got a few shorts in mind, a new idea for my screenplay, a plan for my play, and a host of blog articles I want to write. Whilst I think it’s important to read widely, I found it even more beneficial to break it up with quiet moments, and do soul nourishing activities I wouldn't normally allow myself to do.

Once again, easy accomplishes it.

As much as listening to what we want, this week focused on cutting out what we don’t want. I found key parts of life I’d simply been putting up with, pretending I’m okay whilst my soul dies a little more each day. I’ve been in situations like this before, and it often seems to take a final blow to push me out the door. Cameron calls these Kriyas, a final crisis, the icing on the cake. I once had a job I didn’t like, but hung in there whilst looking for something else, and then, when the job relocated without warning, taking me on a bus journey out of town, I know exactly what I had to do.  

Reading deprivation helped me discover my values, and I soon knew things that weren’t on my wavelength. I'm tempted to take drastic action to replace these soul destroying parts of life with positive people and work I love. It’s a little scary, and I’m nervous about taking the leap, but I know cutting out the bad will make way for the new.

I feel connected to a bigger creative channel I can draw on whenever I need. I’m having lots of synchronicity too. I got the bus to the airport precisely when I’d planned, it arrived at the terminal precisely when I’d planned, and then I realised I’d read the times wrong and was early. Instead of waiting around, we were bumped onto an earlier flight with a free upgrade and no extra charge. I’d been dreading a short change to catch the second to last train home, but now had plenty of time. The pressure was off because I followed my gut.

I’ve also found things manifesting in my life rather quickly. By this I mean thoughts and feelings appearing soon after I’ve thought them. This week’s tasks had me write my own artists prayer, which included a phrase about bringing more like-minded people into my life. The day after I’d written my prayer, I went to my regular theatre workshop, and instead of being the youngest by a fair margin, found lots of similar aged actors who I immediately connected with, and had a fantastic day. 

It sounds like coincidence, but I know it’s a combination of morning pages, my prayers to the great creator, and positive, honest thoughts. It’s scary to think I’ve opened myself up to this roller coaster ride of creativity, but also exciting. I can’t wait to see what happens next. So next time you feel an urge to read, ask yourself, is there something else you'd rather be doing? You might be surprised by what you do instead.

The Artist's Way, Check In - Week 3

I'm following The Artist's Way, a step-by-step recovery programme for blocked artists. I knew week three would be difficult when put on mostly 6.30 starts at work. I've worked a few in a week before but had to pick up the slack to cover a colleague on holiday. I had a day off before they started and used the time for my artist date. 

I took a fantastic two hour walk through the country and took lots of pictures. I really let myself play with the camera and was really proud of my snaps. I felt the creative child within laughing with joy, and that's when I experienced more synchronicity. I was thinking about volunteering with the Ramblers, an organisation who help access pathways across the country, when two seconds later, I looked to a post and saw a sign demonstrating the Ramblers work. 

Once the mornings started, and I came home drained and frustrated that I couldn't work on the many projects in mind, I felt disconnected, and worried I was having a major creative relapse. I continued to write my morning pages (at 5.30am!) and worked on the exercises, which actually helped me understand what was going on.

The exercises were about listening to what we need to nurture ourselves and be nurtured, instead of what we think we should have and do. It had you list bad habits, think about nurturing people in your life and people you admire, and if you admire them for what you think you should be doing, or if they truly are a role model to learn from.

In the light of all this, I can say my slump was down to a host of bad habits, foes and opinions. I worked lots of hours and felt really tired, and could've just run with this, and said, okay, I'm tired, I'll rest. Cameron even says its normal to have some unproductive days. I guess a subtle foe this week was not having the time to write, and hanging out with people not on a creative wavelength, giving to others rather than giving to myself. 

Last week we thought about protecting ourselves, and I certainly need to protect myself from these unsociable hours and ensure I don't continue to have my energy sapped. Failing that, I could've accepted this as a down week and run with it. I could've baked each day and taken my down week to the self-nurturing max, but I didn't. 

Why? 

I knew I was on holiday the following week and wouldn't get much done, so wanted to pick up the slack and write my ass off. I felt I had to be productive, like some of my friends whom I thought I admired, who are so very productive all the time, and whose careers have taken off at alarming speed. In reality, I only think I should admire these people and be as productive as them, despite what my body might be telling me. I felt I should be working despite my tiredness. Opinions about what is worthy and right clouded my inner compass. This inner compass is what Cameron calls our intuitive sense of what we truly need in regards to health, and when something is truly right or wrong for us. I betrayed my inner compass and didn't give it the rest it was begging for.

It might be worth me thinking about how I spend my time and if the job I'm in is truly beneficial towards my inner artist. I can also tattoo Cameron's lovely phrase to every inch of my body. 

"Easy accomplishes it"

I cannot free the artist within through pressure and demanding. I must be self-nurturing, even if I feel it doesn't take me anywhere fast. I must be willing to listen to the artist within.

The Artist's Way, Check In - Week 2

I'm following The Artist's Way, a step-by-step recovery programme for blocked artists. The second week encouraged I do things I enjoy to regain a sense of identity. It was a roller-coaster week, where everything either fell into place, or left me in fear that my recovery would be short lived.

I never thought I was blocked until I read this book, and realised all the hits to my self-esteem had built up a wall of fear between me and my creativity. The Artist's Way encourages followers to write three pages of long-hand stream of consciousness thoughts and feelings every morning. I felt they were taking up my precious time and started as a real chore, but I couldn't wait to get my thoughts on the page by the end of the second week. They brought clarity to my day, and enabled me to plan ahead, capture new ideas for stories, or rant about annoying encounters.

This week I wrote affirmations with my morning pages and read the basic principles day and night, a set of guidelines setting the purpose of the book, my favourite being;  "When we open ourselves to exploring our creativity, we open ourselves to God: good orderly direction." Cameron says her use of the word God isn't religious, but refers instead to a divine source of creative energy. I felt more connected to this energy as the week went by, and found myself in the right place at the right time, what Cameron calls synchronicity.

I went to a Hawk Conservancy to get in touch with Eagle energy after reading a book on power animals. The flying display was cut short due to the wind, so the handler brought a bird for us to hold, one which they don't normally allow in the hands of the public, a Bald Eagle, the animal I came in search of connecting with.

This confirmed I was on the right path. I felt full of energy as I allowed myself to spend a few hours baking and playing Zelda on the Wii. One exercise required I write a list of ten tiny changes, and as a result I wrote an old friend. I felt more creative, and wrote blog posts, articles, and finished a scene for a new play. The exercises nurtured my creative self, opening me to my creativity, which bore the fruits of synchronicity and joy.

My magical day was followed by a slump. I went for a walk as my artist date, but cut it short as the car-park closed early. I had more shifts at a hotel, and felt myself slipping from the creative power I'd felt. Thankfully, week three mentioned this as a normal part of recovery, and I should see such days as a chance to rest. Morning pages were really useful on these difficult days, as they gave me a chance to reacquaint myself with my desires, set my intention with the great creator, and bring positive thoughts through affirmation.

Next week is all about recovering a sense of power, something I feel I could use as I continue my journey.

The Artist's Way, Check-In - Week 1

I read the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and am now following the weekly tasks. At the end of each week, she requires you check-in and review any noticeable creative or spiritual changes. I discovered I'm too hard on myself, I don't believe I deserve to have fun, and rediscovered past enemies who once knocked my creative self-worth, and have started to review and over-come them.

The first week had a strong focus on what she calls creative affirmations, and the 'voices' we hear when we say them, known as blurts. It sounds a bit weird at first, but hear me out. I wrote the affirmation, "I, Gareth, am entitled to a fun, creative life." As I wrote it, I heard myself saying, "But how will I afford it? I don't deserve it. Only if I do enough work." It's the critical side of your brain, and the build up of past experiences and beliefs that stop us being true to ourselves. I took this blurt and re-wrote it to say, "I, Gareth, deserve a fun filled creative life and have all available resources to do so," a much more positive statement that permits me to work at something I enjoy.

One of Cameron's other exercises required I travel back in time and picture past doubters who made me doubt myself. A few people instantly came to mind; past bosses, parents and friends, and I soon realised these people were the source of my blurts. The idea that I can only have fun after hard work, work being anything non-creative (as how can work be fun?) stems from hard-working friends at uni who made me feel lazy (through no fault of their own) for focusing my energies on creative tasks. It's also a lack of self-worth, me believing that I must work to achieve and prove myself, as opposed to writing just because I enjoy it.

Later, I wrote, "I, Gareth, am a successful screenwriter," and suddenly a blurt shouted, "You've never made a good film in your life." I instantly recalled an old demon from uni when I made a film and got a really bad grade. I hated the film too, and when I saw my friends had done much better than me, which in fairness, they had, that was it. I decided I wasn't a filmmaker and might as well give up, and in those first few years after uni, I couldn't finish a script for deciding it was rubbish and worthless.

It's been fascinating to discover the moments in life when I've adopted a negative view to my creativity, and I'm glad for these exercises teasing out my monsters, giving me a chance to face them and send them back into the abyss. I feel more confident with my writing, and more comfortable with myself. I feel able to turn up at the page each day and write because I want to, and will not let failure get in the way, or my strange guilt that makes me feel I should be doing something more productive.

I'm remembering those who have praised me in the past, and am ready to let myself have a little more fun, which will lead me in good stead as I head into week 2, rediscovering a sense of identity.