A Leap or a Tiptoe of Faith? The Artist’s Way, Check-In – Week 12

I’ve reached the end of the Artist’s Way, and feel bad for not posting this a few days ago. I hope this isn’t a sign of things to come; a decline in creativity and positive action. I’m sure it’s not, but this is how I feel as I reach not only a close to this great programme, but my masters as well. It’s as if all these doors are closing, which of course means many new ones are set to open, but like the focus of this week, I need to regain a sense of faith and trust all will be okay.

There are many competitions I’d like to enter, such as the Little Pieces of Gold Writing showcase, and I’ve recently found many opportunities through Ideas Tap, Literature Works and BBC Writer’s Room. I saw how much I could do and forced myself to come up with as many ideas as possible, but ended worried I’d never have a great idea again, if even I had already.

Cameron talks about the gestation period for ideas. That we must allow these ideas to grow in the dark before we force them out into the open. I took a few deep breaths and stepped back from my blocking pattern and took myself a little lighter, and soon, away from my computer and notebooks, I found new perspective and came up with a story I think in time could work.

It’s okay to mull on the page, says Cameron, and comments on the value of hobbies as a way to find inspiration. Since following this course, I’ve allowed myself to sign up to the Ramblers, a Tai Chi class, and this weekend I’m doing walk leader training. Through all these things, I have a greater chance to cultivate ideas than I do staring at my computer. I've started a report about the process of writing my script, and after staring at my machine for hours it feels like I have blinkers on. Perhaps if I go for a meditation or practise my Tai Chi, I’ll find the distance I so desperately need to get into a creative, fun having mind.

It’s all about succumbing to the great creator and trusting we’ll get there in the end. Slaving away for hours till numb does nothing for creativity, as much as we hope it might. We get the creative spark through fulfilling our desires, something I’m working to change as I look to the future.

I’d like to go travelling, but I think I’m afraid of failure or coming home poor. If this were a movie I’d need a shove out the door, at least I would if I thought I had to take a drastic step. A leap of faith sounds terrifying, and I think in reality it’s about a tiptoe of faith. Despite being unsure if I want to travel, I’ve gone for a meeting at a local school and secured a week’s worth of work experience to see if teaching abroad is the thing for me, as well as having researched countries and course providers. I didn’t wake up one morning and say, I’m off, boom. Instead, I listened to my intuition and took little steps as they came. Before I know it I’ll be in Taiwan thinking, “urm, excuse me, how did I get here?” I had a similar, surreal, suddenly in the moment awakening when I slept my first night in New Mexico. It’s a sign of the little steps you’ve taken, and a new adventure is your reward.

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed my journey along the Artist’s Way and will keep up morning pages and artist dates. I get anxious still, but can now identify what’s going on before I get too worked up. I hope I’ll get more scenes staged and find time to enter some competitions, but whatever happens, I vow to believe in myself, and go forth with excitement and anticipation for what comes next.

Has anyone else followed the Artist's Way or a similar course? How was it for you?

This article is based on my experiences from following Julia Cameron's, The Artist's Way, a twelve week course designed to help blocked artist's rediscover their creative selves. 

How to Cure Procrastination and Start an Artistic Project - The Artist’s Way, Check In – Week 9

Laziness. You might feel it as a painter who puts off buying a new canvas and starting a project, or a writer with a great idea that never makes the paper. Thanks to Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way, I’ve come to re-word laziness as the fear to start, no longer damning procrastination or beating myself up when I can’t face the page, but instead recognising my hurts and healing them with compassion. 

We might sometimes flog ourselves when we don’t write in a disciplined way, as we assume other great artists do. “Look at them go, they’re so disciplined, and here I am, making my fourth cup of tea.” As much as Cameron doesn’t slate discipline, and does mention we might still rise early to create, she talks about an even greater asset; enthusiasm. As a guitarist, I remember jumping out of bed at university with a song in my head. Two hours later, I hadn’t showered, and even when I did, played for half an hour in my towel. Discipline bought out of enthusiasm is a loving, creative exercise. We create because we must! We can’t expect it every day and shouldn’t be hard on ourselves when we're not. We’re not slaving machines. It’s okay to not be so disciplined.

That is, unless we’re so paralysed by fear that we don’t start at all. 

Since those towel guitaring uni days, I’ve stopped playing. This week’s exercise had me think about why. Firstly, I entered a competition for the second year running, and got the same score, despite practising hard. I read the winner’s comments on how this was their first entry, how they didn’t prepare, and must have a natural talent. These caused hurts, but not enough to quit. I played open mic nights in Norwich, and people hated it, at least I felt. I was actually invited to come to a new musicians group, but did I? No. I harboured my failings and started giving up. I guess I was also afraid of success. What happens if this group like me? Will I have the time? I joined a band, and that fell through. It seemed all my efforts were in vain, and it was easier to quit.

Cameron calls this process, where an artist stops in their tracks after failure (and success), a Creative U-turn. It’s fear, and can cause an artist to procrastinate, call themselves lazy, and give up entirely.

Oddly enough, I can feel lazy when I do write. If laziness is fear, writing makes me afraid. I often write feeling I should do something more productive, perhaps something that pays. I’m afraid writing will cause me to starve and should buck up my ideas and start a more serious living. I also fear my writing sucks and should leave it to the pros. This was a huge revelation for me, and I’ve started to heal through affirmation, telling myself writing will support me both financially and emotionally and bring me joy if I continue, and allowed myself to do so.

We need to be compassionate to cure procrastination and start an artistic project, which means embracing our paralysing hurts, being understanding of the creative child within, and encouraging it through love and understanding. I think it’s also about allowing our artist child to be a little silly. I visualised myself at a Q+A of a film I’d written, and made a cut and stick of me at the Oscars with an award. It was a silly but fun task, just the sort of thing my artist child needed. I vow to tread softly, and look forwarding to learning about self-protection in next week’s tenth week of the Artist’s Way.

Jealousy; Negative Trait or Useful Guide? The Artist's Way, Check In - Week 7

This week of my journey along the Artist's Way focused upon cherishing ourselves by doing things we enjoy, but also asked a more difficult question; can jealousy be useful, and if so, how? I realised how many interests I'd left unexplored and my need for balance between achieving my goals and nurturing myself.

Julia Cameron includes many tools throughout the journey, but one very useful tool came up this week; the jealousy map. It's a list of people who make you jealous, what of, and what steps we can take to diffuse the jealousy. In this sense, jealousy can lead to interests, activities, hobbies, careers, and lifestyles we might enjoy, but for some reason have found a reason not to do. 

When I saw a friend had added her credit with the mountain rangers on her LinkedIn profile, I was hit by a surge of jealousy. I was glad for my friend's success, but felt I was missing out. I wrote down my feeling and instantly knew what was going on. A few weeks ago I'd considered joining the UK Charity, Ramblers, but I still hadn't. I'd put it off, and told myself I'd put my name down when I had less to do (whenever that would be). To cure my jealousy, I put my name down for the Ramblers and requested to join a local walking group, countering my negative reaction with a positive action.

I've put off Tai Chi, going to the theatre, baking, doing so few things I enjoy that I'm hardly ever me. Why? Anxiety, pressure. I'm heading towards the final deadline for my masters and I'm trying to write shorts, apply for jobs, ready, study, and once in a while, live a little for me. Not that I don't enjoy writing, but after being stuck in doors at my screen all day, I do tend to find my brain a little scrambled and crave a chance to get out and be me in all the other ways that my soul desires.

As much as allowing time, it's about taking risks. Not writing for an afternoon is a risk. I could miss a deadline for a competition or a great job. There are other risks too. What if I drive all the way to the martial arts centre and I don't like anyone? What if I go to the theatre alone and people look at me funny? I liberated myself with a trip alone to the cinema this week, the first step on my mission to act in the face of my fears, and embrace the things I love.

Cameron also talks about the fear of failure. I think the perfectionist within has stopped me writing poetry. This inner critique dates back a few summers where I'd spent it practising poetry and feeling quite good about it, so good that I entered a poem into a competition, heard nothing back, and didn't write for a while after. I may not be the best poet in the world after a summer, but I still won't allow myself to try, which is something I should fix, perhaps with weekly poems (watch this space!).

It's important to cherish ourselves by doing the things we enjoy, and doing them often, but I also think it's about slowing down and taking stock of what we have, and how we feel. One activity had me stand in a sacred space. This could be anywhere; a shop, museum, gallery, or for me, a grove of trees on my latest walk. I spent a few minutes being still and found the space filled me with energy. I think it's important to step back a while each day to just be you, as I often find I can loose sight of the world around me after a day of writing. This task helped me re-connect and find a sense of peace.

The hardest task of the week was making a collage of images to represent my past, present, and future, my dreams, and images I like. I found it hard to motivate myself as I've never really been cut and stick fan, but I loved it once I got started. I only had five out of ten magazines as we tend to read everything online at home (a sign of the times) but I found plenty of images. One magazine was from my old university which worked nicely for the past, and I included lots of images of hikers and places I'd like to travel to. It's now sitting proudly on my shelf as a testament to all things me.

I think, for me, a balance is needed between the time I put in to achieve my goals and connect with my true-self, even if it's work I enjoy, like writing. This comes back to my earlier post on creative workaholics, but now I can add the importance of nurturing ourselves by doing the 'me things' that make us happy. I think this could not only help us become happier in ourselves, but more active, creative, and ultimately, stronger, which is good, as next week is all about gaining a sense of strength.

As a little extra, listen to Scriptnotes Podcast episode #78 for an interesting discussion on jealousy and envy.

Is it selfish to be ourselves? The Artist's Way, Check In - Week 5

I turned my world upside down this week and took a leap towards being honest and true to myself. I realised an on-going battle between my desires and a want to keep the status-quo. I thought about activities I enjoy and vowed to do them no matter the harm to my bank balance, or the guilt I might feel. This fifth week of the Artist’s Way is about discovering a sense of possibility by putting others on the back-burner and putting ourselves first.

Have you ever wanted a drink with friends when your partner has a stressful day and needs you home to give them a massage, and you've called it off? Or perhaps you're tight for money and need to save for that holiday and a subscription to your favourite magazine seems unfair?

That’s what Julia Cameron calls the Virtue Trap. At first it seems wrong, “surely it’s good to put others first, something we should aspire to do?” Well, not if you want a happy and fulfilling life. At the end of the day, we’re our own number one, and that's what this week was about.

I often find myself with resentment and anger when I can’t get what I’d like, and feel like a stroppy kid who can’t get his own way, leading myself to put others first again. And it’s okay to put others first once in a while. The odd chick-flick you have to sit through for a teary friend or a few chores around the house you’d rather not do but do because you’re helping someone. I think this is different. You want to do these things as you care about the people you’re doing them for, and know this will genuinely help them out. It’s charitable and kind.

But when it becomes about simply going along with others to keep them happy with their choice of activities, or sacrificing a deep seated desire of your own to please them, that’s when the virtue trap kicks into gear, and you have to step back and think about yourself. My anger wasn’t because I wasn’t getting my own way, but because I wasn’t doing the things that make me feel whole.

I started an image file, a little plastic wallet pinned to my desk with images of activities, places and things I’d like to do, visit, and try. It's there to remind me what I enjoy, and will hopefully get me out there doing more of it. It mostly has pictures of hikers, but also Angkor Wat, snowy mountains and skiers. I've got images of a base guitar, X-box, and a home recording studio. It's about recognising the things I enjoy to remember what makes me me.

Cameron suggests we’re afraid to show the world our true colours by following our desires as we have no mask to hide behind if we fail. We can’t blame not having the time to write for that sucky article. I can certainly say I’m feeling more exposed now that I’m being more me.

That could be why I'm in a job that gives me extra stress and limited time to write. It’s also because I feel selfish towards my parents and girlfriend. If I quit my job I won’t be able to take her places, and I’ll be living in my parent’s house without an income, leaching off them whilst I pursue my selfish needs to become a writer. It’s a combination of fear of showing who we really are and the guilt that comes with putting ourselves first.

That’s why I've taken a six week unpaid holiday to get my thesis written and have set new boundaries for getting my work done. I’m starting to do what I enjoy without feeling selfish. I'm still a cheapskate. I tell myself I can't afford something, and therefore can't do it. Thankfully, week six looks at our views and opinions around money, which will be useful in shedding my financial insecurities, and hopefully will help me to do more things I enjoy.