The Artist's Way, Check-In - Week 1

I read the Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and am now following the weekly tasks. At the end of each week, she requires you check-in and review any noticeable creative or spiritual changes. I discovered I'm too hard on myself, I don't believe I deserve to have fun, and rediscovered past enemies who once knocked my creative self-worth, and have started to review and over-come them.

The first week had a strong focus on what she calls creative affirmations, and the 'voices' we hear when we say them, known as blurts. It sounds a bit weird at first, but hear me out. I wrote the affirmation, "I, Gareth, am entitled to a fun, creative life." As I wrote it, I heard myself saying, "But how will I afford it? I don't deserve it. Only if I do enough work." It's the critical side of your brain, and the build up of past experiences and beliefs that stop us being true to ourselves. I took this blurt and re-wrote it to say, "I, Gareth, deserve a fun filled creative life and have all available resources to do so," a much more positive statement that permits me to work at something I enjoy.

One of Cameron's other exercises required I travel back in time and picture past doubters who made me doubt myself. A few people instantly came to mind; past bosses, parents and friends, and I soon realised these people were the source of my blurts. The idea that I can only have fun after hard work, work being anything non-creative (as how can work be fun?) stems from hard-working friends at uni who made me feel lazy (through no fault of their own) for focusing my energies on creative tasks. It's also a lack of self-worth, me believing that I must work to achieve and prove myself, as opposed to writing just because I enjoy it.

Later, I wrote, "I, Gareth, am a successful screenwriter," and suddenly a blurt shouted, "You've never made a good film in your life." I instantly recalled an old demon from uni when I made a film and got a really bad grade. I hated the film too, and when I saw my friends had done much better than me, which in fairness, they had, that was it. I decided I wasn't a filmmaker and might as well give up, and in those first few years after uni, I couldn't finish a script for deciding it was rubbish and worthless.

It's been fascinating to discover the moments in life when I've adopted a negative view to my creativity, and I'm glad for these exercises teasing out my monsters, giving me a chance to face them and send them back into the abyss. I feel more confident with my writing, and more comfortable with myself. I feel able to turn up at the page each day and write because I want to, and will not let failure get in the way, or my strange guilt that makes me feel I should be doing something more productive.

I'm remembering those who have praised me in the past, and am ready to let myself have a little more fun, which will lead me in good stead as I head into week 2, rediscovering a sense of identity.