Is it selfish to be ourselves? The Artist's Way, Check In - Week 5

I turned my world upside down this week and took a leap towards being honest and true to myself. I realised an on-going battle between my desires and a want to keep the status-quo. I thought about activities I enjoy and vowed to do them no matter the harm to my bank balance, or the guilt I might feel. This fifth week of the Artist’s Way is about discovering a sense of possibility by putting others on the back-burner and putting ourselves first.

Have you ever wanted a drink with friends when your partner has a stressful day and needs you home to give them a massage, and you've called it off? Or perhaps you're tight for money and need to save for that holiday and a subscription to your favourite magazine seems unfair?

That’s what Julia Cameron calls the Virtue Trap. At first it seems wrong, “surely it’s good to put others first, something we should aspire to do?” Well, not if you want a happy and fulfilling life. At the end of the day, we’re our own number one, and that's what this week was about.

I often find myself with resentment and anger when I can’t get what I’d like, and feel like a stroppy kid who can’t get his own way, leading myself to put others first again. And it’s okay to put others first once in a while. The odd chick-flick you have to sit through for a teary friend or a few chores around the house you’d rather not do but do because you’re helping someone. I think this is different. You want to do these things as you care about the people you’re doing them for, and know this will genuinely help them out. It’s charitable and kind.

But when it becomes about simply going along with others to keep them happy with their choice of activities, or sacrificing a deep seated desire of your own to please them, that’s when the virtue trap kicks into gear, and you have to step back and think about yourself. My anger wasn’t because I wasn’t getting my own way, but because I wasn’t doing the things that make me feel whole.

I started an image file, a little plastic wallet pinned to my desk with images of activities, places and things I’d like to do, visit, and try. It's there to remind me what I enjoy, and will hopefully get me out there doing more of it. It mostly has pictures of hikers, but also Angkor Wat, snowy mountains and skiers. I've got images of a base guitar, X-box, and a home recording studio. It's about recognising the things I enjoy to remember what makes me me.

Cameron suggests we’re afraid to show the world our true colours by following our desires as we have no mask to hide behind if we fail. We can’t blame not having the time to write for that sucky article. I can certainly say I’m feeling more exposed now that I’m being more me.

That could be why I'm in a job that gives me extra stress and limited time to write. It’s also because I feel selfish towards my parents and girlfriend. If I quit my job I won’t be able to take her places, and I’ll be living in my parent’s house without an income, leaching off them whilst I pursue my selfish needs to become a writer. It’s a combination of fear of showing who we really are and the guilt that comes with putting ourselves first.

That’s why I've taken a six week unpaid holiday to get my thesis written and have set new boundaries for getting my work done. I’m starting to do what I enjoy without feeling selfish. I'm still a cheapskate. I tell myself I can't afford something, and therefore can't do it. Thankfully, week six looks at our views and opinions around money, which will be useful in shedding my financial insecurities, and hopefully will help me to do more things I enjoy.

Could you spend a week without reading? The Artist's Way, Check-in - Week 4

I’m following the artist’s way by Julia Cameron, a step by step guide for getting in touch with your creative-self. This week was about regaining a sense of integrity, and included one of the most difficult tasks for a writer; reading deprivation. 

That’s a whole week without reading, which sounds silly, if not crazy, seeing as seasoned pros often say beginning writers don’t read enough scripts, books etc. It was a helpful exercise and got me to focus on being creative, listening to my own voice, and not being afraid or too distracted to let it out and take form.

The aim is to get artists to do things they'd otherwise put off, such as pruning the garden, washing the car, or going out for a walk or a run. It was difficult as I was on holiday and didn’t have much time to myself, though I fleshed out an idea for a ten minute film on the flight, and had time for introspection when stopped at coffee shops. I decided I wanted a plant for my room, and wrote an old friend. I managed to get in touch with myself, and realised my deep seated desires.

I’ve known for a while that I read a lot. It’s scary how many times I float in my room thinking, “what should I do now?” but I’m actually battling between the feeling I must read and the desire to do something else. I've even been anxious about reading before; “there are so many articles, I’ve got a stack of books to read, and then there are scripts, short stories.” It soon adds up. This exercise pushed all of that away and let me use my imagination for once. I’ve now got a few shorts in mind, a new idea for my screenplay, a plan for my play, and a host of blog articles I want to write. Whilst I think it’s important to read widely, I found it even more beneficial to break it up with quiet moments, and do soul nourishing activities I wouldn't normally allow myself to do.

Once again, easy accomplishes it.

As much as listening to what we want, this week focused on cutting out what we don’t want. I found key parts of life I’d simply been putting up with, pretending I’m okay whilst my soul dies a little more each day. I’ve been in situations like this before, and it often seems to take a final blow to push me out the door. Cameron calls these Kriyas, a final crisis, the icing on the cake. I once had a job I didn’t like, but hung in there whilst looking for something else, and then, when the job relocated without warning, taking me on a bus journey out of town, I know exactly what I had to do.  

Reading deprivation helped me discover my values, and I soon knew things that weren’t on my wavelength. I'm tempted to take drastic action to replace these soul destroying parts of life with positive people and work I love. It’s a little scary, and I’m nervous about taking the leap, but I know cutting out the bad will make way for the new.

I feel connected to a bigger creative channel I can draw on whenever I need. I’m having lots of synchronicity too. I got the bus to the airport precisely when I’d planned, it arrived at the terminal precisely when I’d planned, and then I realised I’d read the times wrong and was early. Instead of waiting around, we were bumped onto an earlier flight with a free upgrade and no extra charge. I’d been dreading a short change to catch the second to last train home, but now had plenty of time. The pressure was off because I followed my gut.

I’ve also found things manifesting in my life rather quickly. By this I mean thoughts and feelings appearing soon after I’ve thought them. This week’s tasks had me write my own artists prayer, which included a phrase about bringing more like-minded people into my life. The day after I’d written my prayer, I went to my regular theatre workshop, and instead of being the youngest by a fair margin, found lots of similar aged actors who I immediately connected with, and had a fantastic day. 

It sounds like coincidence, but I know it’s a combination of morning pages, my prayers to the great creator, and positive, honest thoughts. It’s scary to think I’ve opened myself up to this roller coaster ride of creativity, but also exciting. I can’t wait to see what happens next. So next time you feel an urge to read, ask yourself, is there something else you'd rather be doing? You might be surprised by what you do instead.

The Artist's Way, Check In - Week 3

I'm following The Artist's Way, a step-by-step recovery programme for blocked artists. I knew week three would be difficult when put on mostly 6.30 starts at work. I've worked a few in a week before but had to pick up the slack to cover a colleague on holiday. I had a day off before they started and used the time for my artist date. 

I took a fantastic two hour walk through the country and took lots of pictures. I really let myself play with the camera and was really proud of my snaps. I felt the creative child within laughing with joy, and that's when I experienced more synchronicity. I was thinking about volunteering with the Ramblers, an organisation who help access pathways across the country, when two seconds later, I looked to a post and saw a sign demonstrating the Ramblers work. 

Once the mornings started, and I came home drained and frustrated that I couldn't work on the many projects in mind, I felt disconnected, and worried I was having a major creative relapse. I continued to write my morning pages (at 5.30am!) and worked on the exercises, which actually helped me understand what was going on.

The exercises were about listening to what we need to nurture ourselves and be nurtured, instead of what we think we should have and do. It had you list bad habits, think about nurturing people in your life and people you admire, and if you admire them for what you think you should be doing, or if they truly are a role model to learn from.

In the light of all this, I can say my slump was down to a host of bad habits, foes and opinions. I worked lots of hours and felt really tired, and could've just run with this, and said, okay, I'm tired, I'll rest. Cameron even says its normal to have some unproductive days. I guess a subtle foe this week was not having the time to write, and hanging out with people not on a creative wavelength, giving to others rather than giving to myself. 

Last week we thought about protecting ourselves, and I certainly need to protect myself from these unsociable hours and ensure I don't continue to have my energy sapped. Failing that, I could've accepted this as a down week and run with it. I could've baked each day and taken my down week to the self-nurturing max, but I didn't. 

Why? 

I knew I was on holiday the following week and wouldn't get much done, so wanted to pick up the slack and write my ass off. I felt I had to be productive, like some of my friends whom I thought I admired, who are so very productive all the time, and whose careers have taken off at alarming speed. In reality, I only think I should admire these people and be as productive as them, despite what my body might be telling me. I felt I should be working despite my tiredness. Opinions about what is worthy and right clouded my inner compass. This inner compass is what Cameron calls our intuitive sense of what we truly need in regards to health, and when something is truly right or wrong for us. I betrayed my inner compass and didn't give it the rest it was begging for.

It might be worth me thinking about how I spend my time and if the job I'm in is truly beneficial towards my inner artist. I can also tattoo Cameron's lovely phrase to every inch of my body. 

"Easy accomplishes it"

I cannot free the artist within through pressure and demanding. I must be self-nurturing, even if I feel it doesn't take me anywhere fast. I must be willing to listen to the artist within.

If you've ever felt life was like a movie..

...watch Finding Joe, a documentary about mythologist, Joesph Campbell, who discovered a universal pattern within heroic tales from cultures all over the world, and wrote his findings in a book called The Hero With A Thousand Faces. Finding Joe refers to it as a  miracle formula found in every story ever told, including every film ever made, which I find a little hard to swallow and sort of misses the point. It does, however, stress the similarities of these tales in life, and how we can learn from myth to improve our own lives.

It was Christopher Vogler who dubbed the term the Hero's Journey based upon Campbell's work, a story structure suited to screenplays, and Finding Joe seems to draw more heavily on this, though it does talk about Campbell's ideas.

Finding Joe looks at how the Hero's Journey can be applied to our lives, and how we can learn from the journeys of our favourite heroes; we leave home, go on a journey filled with conflict, and come home with new perspectives on life.

All of this sounds rather useless. So our lives are journeys like our favourite hero's, how does that help me? If we think about it, there are often times in life when we're called to do something outside our comfort zone. "Fancy singing Karaoke?" "Want to climb Kilimanjaro," "Here's a promotion, in India." For me it was a friend asking if I'd ever wanted to travel and stuffing a few brochures under my nose. Most often we deny this call. We say no. I won't sing, everyone will think I'm awful. I can't climb a mountain, leave it to professionals, and how can I move away from my friends/lover/husband/family? If we deny the call, we stay at home. We don't take the journey, but, if we face our fears, say yes, we'd better grab our coat. In this way, it is useful in recognising that opportunities can change us for the better.

Finding Joe talks about fears, and courage, how we can't get rid of fear, but it's courageous to act in the face of it, and can lead to great things. The words, stretch yourself are used a few times. It means doing something outside your comfort zone. I've taken a few hero's journeys, and each has involved doing something crazy.

I was in a job I hated and desperatley wanted out. I found a volunteering post in New Mexico for three months and was afraid to book it. I'd have to pay for it on credit card. I'd have to quit my job, and most of all, I'd have to travel on my own for the first time all the way to the states. I was afraid, but the calls kept coming. Friends talked none stop of travel. The job got worse. And then, one day whilst debating it with my parents on the bus home from work, I spied out the window a flashing, neon call to adventure; a bumper sticker that read, "Visit New Mexico!" It was that bumper sticker that made me say yes. I paid for the trip on credit card and quit my job and set out for the adventure of a life time. And to my amusement, my friends stopped talking of travel, and didn't book a thing. They were in my life for the sole purpose of pushing me over the precipice, and into action.

It changed me. It taught me about independance. I grew spiritually, and came back ready to embrace a life of freedom and courage. This was one of several adventures I've had in life so far, and each has been a similar process. I've left home, done something insane, learned from it, and come back home. That's where I am at the moment, back home with my eyes pealed for my next adventure. I feel the same worries and anxieties about achieving my goals as before, and perhaps my next adventure will help me push forward in spite of my fears.

"If we follow our bliss, doors will open where once there were only walls."

Campbell's phrase above is the best part of the documentary. It's about doing what we desire and not what we think we should do. I often think I should take a management role and earn money to support my dreams, but it's not my bliss. My bliss is outdoors, in walking, and in writing. Before I went to New Mexico I'd been trying for a career in television production, and only had several cancelled interviews to my name, but when I followed my bliss, and booked a trip to volunteer with wolves in the wilderness, I was rewarded by being asked to shoot video and edit films. I'd followed my bliss, and the universe had offered in kind the opportunity I'd been seeking.

If you're reading this thinking it's all very well talking about following your dreams, but it's not practical for some of us, you're probably denying a dream of your own. Prick up your ears and see if there are any calls to adventure you're not picking up. I'm far from perfect at following my bliss. I'm terrified about trying for a career as a freelance writer, but as the documentary says, if we have the courage to face our fears, great things can happen. We can be the hero of our own life movie.

The Artist's Way, Check In - Week 2

I'm following The Artist's Way, a step-by-step recovery programme for blocked artists. The second week encouraged I do things I enjoy to regain a sense of identity. It was a roller-coaster week, where everything either fell into place, or left me in fear that my recovery would be short lived.

I never thought I was blocked until I read this book, and realised all the hits to my self-esteem had built up a wall of fear between me and my creativity. The Artist's Way encourages followers to write three pages of long-hand stream of consciousness thoughts and feelings every morning. I felt they were taking up my precious time and started as a real chore, but I couldn't wait to get my thoughts on the page by the end of the second week. They brought clarity to my day, and enabled me to plan ahead, capture new ideas for stories, or rant about annoying encounters.

This week I wrote affirmations with my morning pages and read the basic principles day and night, a set of guidelines setting the purpose of the book, my favourite being;  "When we open ourselves to exploring our creativity, we open ourselves to God: good orderly direction." Cameron says her use of the word God isn't religious, but refers instead to a divine source of creative energy. I felt more connected to this energy as the week went by, and found myself in the right place at the right time, what Cameron calls synchronicity.

I went to a Hawk Conservancy to get in touch with Eagle energy after reading a book on power animals. The flying display was cut short due to the wind, so the handler brought a bird for us to hold, one which they don't normally allow in the hands of the public, a Bald Eagle, the animal I came in search of connecting with.

This confirmed I was on the right path. I felt full of energy as I allowed myself to spend a few hours baking and playing Zelda on the Wii. One exercise required I write a list of ten tiny changes, and as a result I wrote an old friend. I felt more creative, and wrote blog posts, articles, and finished a scene for a new play. The exercises nurtured my creative self, opening me to my creativity, which bore the fruits of synchronicity and joy.

My magical day was followed by a slump. I went for a walk as my artist date, but cut it short as the car-park closed early. I had more shifts at a hotel, and felt myself slipping from the creative power I'd felt. Thankfully, week three mentioned this as a normal part of recovery, and I should see such days as a chance to rest. Morning pages were really useful on these difficult days, as they gave me a chance to reacquaint myself with my desires, set my intention with the great creator, and bring positive thoughts through affirmation.

Next week is all about recovering a sense of power, something I feel I could use as I continue my journey.