Is it selfish to be ourselves? The Artist's Way, Check In - Week 5

I turned my world upside down this week and took a leap towards being honest and true to myself. I realised an on-going battle between my desires and a want to keep the status-quo. I thought about activities I enjoy and vowed to do them no matter the harm to my bank balance, or the guilt I might feel. This fifth week of the Artist’s Way is about discovering a sense of possibility by putting others on the back-burner and putting ourselves first.

Have you ever wanted a drink with friends when your partner has a stressful day and needs you home to give them a massage, and you've called it off? Or perhaps you're tight for money and need to save for that holiday and a subscription to your favourite magazine seems unfair?

That’s what Julia Cameron calls the Virtue Trap. At first it seems wrong, “surely it’s good to put others first, something we should aspire to do?” Well, not if you want a happy and fulfilling life. At the end of the day, we’re our own number one, and that's what this week was about.

I often find myself with resentment and anger when I can’t get what I’d like, and feel like a stroppy kid who can’t get his own way, leading myself to put others first again. And it’s okay to put others first once in a while. The odd chick-flick you have to sit through for a teary friend or a few chores around the house you’d rather not do but do because you’re helping someone. I think this is different. You want to do these things as you care about the people you’re doing them for, and know this will genuinely help them out. It’s charitable and kind.

But when it becomes about simply going along with others to keep them happy with their choice of activities, or sacrificing a deep seated desire of your own to please them, that’s when the virtue trap kicks into gear, and you have to step back and think about yourself. My anger wasn’t because I wasn’t getting my own way, but because I wasn’t doing the things that make me feel whole.

I started an image file, a little plastic wallet pinned to my desk with images of activities, places and things I’d like to do, visit, and try. It's there to remind me what I enjoy, and will hopefully get me out there doing more of it. It mostly has pictures of hikers, but also Angkor Wat, snowy mountains and skiers. I've got images of a base guitar, X-box, and a home recording studio. It's about recognising the things I enjoy to remember what makes me me.

Cameron suggests we’re afraid to show the world our true colours by following our desires as we have no mask to hide behind if we fail. We can’t blame not having the time to write for that sucky article. I can certainly say I’m feeling more exposed now that I’m being more me.

That could be why I'm in a job that gives me extra stress and limited time to write. It’s also because I feel selfish towards my parents and girlfriend. If I quit my job I won’t be able to take her places, and I’ll be living in my parent’s house without an income, leaching off them whilst I pursue my selfish needs to become a writer. It’s a combination of fear of showing who we really are and the guilt that comes with putting ourselves first.

That’s why I've taken a six week unpaid holiday to get my thesis written and have set new boundaries for getting my work done. I’m starting to do what I enjoy without feeling selfish. I'm still a cheapskate. I tell myself I can't afford something, and therefore can't do it. Thankfully, week six looks at our views and opinions around money, which will be useful in shedding my financial insecurities, and hopefully will help me to do more things I enjoy.